Holy Smokes!

Okay, I know. It's been a really, really long time since I posted. That will change. Life has been CRAZY! First of all, thank you to everyone in my life who helps make my life work. You rock.

This weekend I had to work quite a bit - I still haven't caught up with all the work I need to get complete, but there comes a point where your brain turns to utter mush and it doesn't work to keep working. I went home today around 10:00 and as I was about to leave REBEL, Mark showed up! He is so sweet! He came to 'steal me away' so his timing was perfect.

He was so excited to show me pictures - he ripped off a bunch of the siding on our house and uncovered the stucco beneath it. We (okay, I) was really worried that the stucco would be in crumbles underneath the siding, but it was in splendid condition! Granted, he only took off a portion of it, but if the rest of the house is even slightly close to the condition of the parts he has uncovered, the stucco repair job shouldn't be all the overwhelming. The color isn't the prettiest (though Mark says he likes it...) but regardless of whether we like the color the whole house will need to get primed and repainted anyway. I'm going to push for a nice, woodsy green color.

Mark and I went to a new church today - we tried out the Second Universal Unitarian church. It was, eh, well - interesting. I'm not going to say it was bad - the people were incredibly nice and welcoming, but it just wasn't the place for us. We both joked that we wanted to find a place in between Trinity (where we have been going on-and-off) and 2UU. I did a quick search on the internet today and remembered that we have a couple UCC churches here in Omaha, I think Mark and I will be trying one of them out next weekend.

Anyway, I got home from work and Mark wouldn't let me do a thing... told me to go to bed and he would bring me chili and ice cream. He is such a sweetheart. He bought me flowers last night for date night. It was kind of funny - it was supposed to be his turn for date night, and I came up with the idea of making Sukiyaki at home, so I ended up cooking. I don't mind at all - I love cooking. And I have to say, my Sukiyaki was almost as good as Mt. Fuji!! A few adjustments next time and I'll give them a run for their money!!

The weather has been just gorgeous lately, which is a bit more frustrating for me because I still seem to be spending inordinate amounts of time at work and inside - and don't get to enjoy it. This should (hopefully) be the end of the long hours after this week, so I'll make a point to get out more next week.

Friday we went over to Maria's house for a chili feed and firepit party. It was a lot of fun! Mark and I were both ecstatic to take a break from our busy lives. Maria loved my chili and demanding that her and I have a cooking day. That would be fun.

Okay more to come, I promise!!

Hugs and love,
Andy

Please Visit This Website

I'm not going to say much about this website, just go there. Trust me. It will change your life. Please take the message to heart.

http://fullapologies.com/

With love,
Andy

Goodbye Chicago

I have mixed feelings about leaving Chicago. I wish my stay could have been longer, in fact I kind of which I could live here. I love Chicago. Today I walked through North Halstead into Boystown, then down through DePaul University and an area of town with these gorgeous old rowhouses. It is so beautiful here. I miss being home though. I miss Mark a lot. I miss my family. I am excited to be going back to Omaha and am excited to take on new life in my family, relationship, and community.

This has been an amazing weekend for which I am truly greatful.

Goodbye, Chicago...

Hello, life...

-Andy

3 Days for the Rest of My Life

The last three days have been a whirlwind of emotion, excitement, friendship, breakthroughs, breakdowns, and everything in between. Imagine sitting 77 people in a room, who are all excited about creating their life to be full of possibility. Imagine spending 55 hours of your life in the presence of a man who has spent the last 35 years of his life training and developing people on how to live their life to their utmost ability. That's what I got with this course.

In the past three days I have discovered, elevated, and created myself to be:

• A powerful leader
• Able to be fully expressed
• That I have been sabotaging my relationships
• That I have the ability to choose Mark as being the Love of My Life
• That I have the ability to create love even when its presence is missing from my life
• That I have the ability to stand for what I believe in, even in the face of no agreement
• That I am no longer being held back by my fears of failure
• That my conversations from the past no longer dictate how I live my life

It may all seem warm and fuzzy, but it is very real. I am a new person. If you spoke to me on Thursday and then spoke to me now, you would hear a difference. I am happy. I am happier than I have ever been. I'm in love - and a deeper, richer, more meaningful love. I'm excited that my life is moving forward and my future us full of potential, and that I am the one says how that goes.

I am empowered. I am a powerful, loving leader in my world, and I am excited to see where that takes me each moment of the rest of my life.

Hugs,
Andy

From Omaha to Mars with Open Arms and Fantastic Movies

I'm in Chicago for the Landmark Forum Advanced Course. For the first time I am CouchSurfing - look it up, it's cool. Marsena has opened her home and her heart to me and from the brief conversations we have had so far, she is good peeps. She has another couchsurfer staying her named Dan, so far he's been quiet but seems like a good egg. Her cat is adorable and we've already made friends. He's big and lazy and orange... my favorite kind.

Chicago always calls to me when I am here. I enjoy this city more every time I visit. My mind and heart somehow are eased by the heartbeat of the city. And ocassional 'el' train passes by Marsena's place this late at night, and it is soothing to me.

We just finished watching "The Motorcycle Diaries" of which I knew nothing, and still don't fully know the story behind, but it was a moving movie and the timing somewhat relevant to my goings on this weekend. These guys set off on a journey across Central America and learn a lot about themselves on the way (very, very brief synopsis...). Towards the end of the movie they visit a leper colony and the lead character, Fuser, becomes frustrated by the separation. On one side of the Amazon River is the leper colony, and on the other, all the doctors, nurses and caretakers of the colony. The separation parallels that of the people he has seen throughout his journeys, the rich and the powerful on one side, and the poor and demoralized native people on the other. It sparks in him a desire to bring peace and justice to Central America. In the end he becomes a leader of the revolution. As I said - I didn't know anything about the story before, but now I want to read it and understand it fully.

What did I take from all this? I'm not sure yet. As of this moment right now, I am moved and awed by the humility and hospitality of strangers, and I am thankful that there is hope left in this world. Sometimes I get down on myself and on humanity. There are still good people to be found, and together change is possible, starting with ourselves.

Hugs and good night all,
Andy

Been a While

It's been too long... so sit back and hold on, for this blog will include some intimate and not-to-proud moments in my life. What you have here is an honest, to the gut review of the last couple months, from breakdowns to breakthroughs and back again.

The past few MONTHS have been a crazy rollercoaster of life and love.

Mark bought us a house in the Benson area. It's adorable and we are working on improving it and putting it together. Recent improvements include a bed, a TV, a 1924 stove, and a new cat (Oscar!!). Mark and my Dad landscaped most of the front yard, and we are slowly chopping away at the overgrowth in the back yard.

I asked Mark the other day "why is it that we can't get grass to grow in the front yard, and we can't stop the weeds from growing in the back yard? How ridiculous is that??"

Mark has been very patient and loving and understanding with me in the past couple months. I've been a BEAR of a boyfriend while I am getting used to working on the house and dealing with my fear of commitment. Mark is such a sweet, caring, wonderful guy. I don't know how he does what he does. He still travels between Omaha and Sioux Falls weekly, he balances so many things on his plate at once I am consistently amazed and inspired by his dedication to making this work.

I, on the other hand, have been just dreadful. I've had a few temper-tantrums over the past month that I am not at all proud of. On top of everything that Mark is dealing with, for him to put up with me really shows how wonderful a man he is. Over the past month I have been HIGH MAINTENANCE.

Why, you ask? Good question. I've been smacked in the face with a lot of things I have been avoiding lately, which ultimately led to the "why are you avoiding things" conversation with several people.

I avoid because I am scared.
I'm scared because I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do because I'm afraid to ask.
I'm afraid to ask because I've been avoiding it and don't want to be embarrassed.

Silly little circle, isn't it?

There have been moments in the past month when I asked myself "is it worth all this?" and for a time, the answer was no.

In the midst of breakdown and asking myself the question "is it worth all this?" I had to ask myself two questions:

1. What is "all this" and who is really creating it. (you could probably guess the answer to that one)
   
   
2. Is there a pattern here? It "seems like" I ask myself this question a lot...

Answers: "all this" is the crap that I make up in MY head. I create it, I live it, I believe it, and I do so because it is EASY. When things get difficult and there are issues to deal with, it is EASIER to make something up about the whole situation in order to give myself ammunition to just call it off. I do that all over my life. Left and right. Money. Romance. Friends. Work. If it's not easy, just call it off and try something else. Someday the easy _________ (fill in the blank) will come along and it won't be work anymore. Someday some guy will come along and solve all my problems, and then life will be easy. Some day I'll win the lottery, and then life will be easy.

I am a firm believer that life is a created reality, and that we create how the story goes. I've been creating chaos for a while now, and chaos is what I get back.

Sometimes it takes a slap in the face to get back to reality. I almost called it off. I even said the words. Over pie at Village Inn, I said that it would be better to not be "us" anymore.

The look on Mark's face was unforgettable. Here's this guy who has turned his life upside down for me, and I'm ready to kick him to the curb - and the really fucked up thing about it, is that it wasn't because I don't like him, it wasn't because I don't LOVE him, it wasn't because either of us cheated or did anything that would warrant a breakup.

The reason I was breaking up with him, was because my behavior of avoidance, my behavior of neglect and disregard has gotten all over our relationship. My level of avoidance has gotten to be so great I was ready to check out of my relationship and hide in a hole for a month of two while I sat idle and depressed in my room back at Benjy's.

Mark was blunt with me. He said he would either be in my life as my partner, or out of my life altogether.

As I said earlier, sometimes a slap in the face is what it takes. In that moment I actually took the time to think about what my life would be like without Mark in it. To think about not waking up next to him, not holding him while he falls asleep during a movie, not kissing him softly on his temple. Not eating Village Inn with him at midnight. Not building a house and home together. Not having someone to share my dreams with. Not holding his hand as we walk around. Not getting my belly-button poked when I throw him a smart comment.

Not being in love with the man of my dreams.

It was a "what the hell are you doing?!?!?" moment in my life. I'm not proud at all of having to get that deep before realizing what I was about to be missing. I'm not proud at all of how I treated Mark in the process of figuring all this out. I'm not proud at all that my lack of integrity has caused so much turmoil in my life.

I am proud that I came to my senses and chose to give this thing another shot. I'm very happy that through all my shit, Mark took me back with open arms.

Things have got to change for us, and 95% of that starts with me.

I can no longer sit idly by and watch my relationship happen while I'm sitting in the passenger seat.
I can no longer avoid the things in my life that scare me.
I can no longer stand to put allow these themes of unfinished and incomplete project perpetuate.
I've got to take the bull by the horns for a change.

* * *

Things since last week have improved greatly. I am challenging myself daily to attack something that I have been avoiding. I'm challenging myself daily to do one extra thing around the house. Whenever a conversation of "I'll do it later" comes up, I'm challenging myself to do it right then and there. There are still ups and downs, but I feel the momentum is in the right direction.

I am very, very thankful for having Mark in my life. I've never met a guy who is as patient, sincere, caring, loving, cuddly, and silly. I would be in a very different place right now if Mark had not come into my life. Honey, I love you with all my heart. Thank you for everything you do and for all the love that you give. You are 1 in a million.

Hugs & Love,
Andy

A Over D Will Mean Something to Me

I had my first guitar lesson today. I found Chris Saub online while searching for guitar teachers in Omaha. He's not too terribly expensive and he is good. When picking a teacher I went by both history but also by sound. Out of the people that I found teaching guitar, only a couple actually had music I could hear - and I love Chris's music. He plays the guitar very well. He also teaches guitar full time, which I also thought was a sign that he is good.

I sat down with him for my first lesson today, and aside from being a really nice guy, he is a darn good teacher. He started at the beginning, and instead of just telling me what to do, he told me WHY. That's huge for me. I don't want to just know how to strum a chord, I want to know what makes a chord sound good. He instructed me to bring a notebook with me, and that we would develop my method book as we go along. I LOVE IT.

I was also a bit worried about my guitar, I bought it for $99 at Target, of all places, and was worried that I would go in there and he would laugh at my cheap-ass guitar. He was actually really impressed with how it sounded and said I did good. Hooray me!!

The lesson went well and I felt good afterward. Now I have two weeks to memorize some chords, strings, and run through a lot of exercises. I'm looking forward to it!

My honey had a stressful day, but he came out with flying colors. I love learning more and more about him. When we were first trying to get a house in North Omaha, he had breakdown after breakdown and we, together, had a breakdown. I saw him at what was probably his worst. Today's breakdown was a breakdown, but he came through in flying colors. He is such a strong guy, and so sweet to me. I love him with my whole heart. Every day is a new adventure with him.

I love you, baby!!

guitar good, bongos bad

blogger good. mobile blogger bad. locked out of the house and killing time listening to a guy play the guitar and another guy attempting to play the bongos, all the while the pigeons across the street are trying to mate. mark is working his cute little butt off tonight... he has gotten a bunch of bid requests all at once this week, which is REALLY GOOD because that means he will be able to move to omaha all that much sooner. i really hate when he has to go back to Sf. tonight we are going to go see eric himan play at micks in benson. mark just bought a house not too far from here... so actually, come to think of it, in not too long this area will be our new stomping grounds!

blogging on a cell is challenging... my thumbs are getting sore!

did i mention that mark has a cute butt?? he has a cute heart, too. he is such a sweet guy, even when i am not. thanks for stickin through it when i get grouchy, baby. it is okay if you call me high maintenance. i admit it.

hugs and such...
andypants

Of Houses, Husbands and Happiness

It is no secret that at times words are hard to come by. Sitting here at Camilles, I sip on my tropical tea and contemplate where I am at in my life. Words just can't describe, though as usual I will try :)

I've found a man I can't stop thinking about. He's warm and he's kind, and he treats me right. He's cute even when he is angry, which isn't often. He dances with me and sings to me in the kitchen, and he plays the silly games that I like to play, like "I love you pants, Markypants."

Today I made an unreasonable request on our behalf. We've been trying to buy a house and financing is giving us trouble. My credit is bad. Mark's credit it fantastic, but the fact that he is self employed isn't. Creditors don't like that. He's tried every which way from Wednesday and no luck. No loan.

In my life giving up has been easy - if something isn't working, just give it up. Lately that has not flown well for me. I'm much less willing to let myself do that - not that I don't try - but this was one of those occasions where I wasn't ready to let it go. I wrote a letter to the committee that is making the decision about the house (to catch you up... the house we are looking at now is owned by a church, they are selling it and a committee must make the decisions regarding how the transaction is handled). I wrote a letter to the committee and asked them to consider financing us. I don't know if they will ever see the letter, I don't know if it will make a difference, but I hope it does. I hope they see it, and I hope that take it to heart.

We love the house, we love the neighborhood, and we love the thought of living in the back yard of a church. I sent the letter to our real estate agent and told him I was leaving it in his hands... and that if he could do anything, that would be great. If not, it wasn't meant to be.

Writing the letter, I thought to myself, what if they question our relationship or how dedicated we are to each other? Here are these two unmarried gay guys wanting a church to sell them a house AND finance them. My internal reaction was "well, how could they question it - we are so in love, I couldn't imagine myself with anyone else!" On one end that made me feel really good - that my relationship with Mark is alive and well, and on the other hand it made me sad. Even in todays world I still worry about what people think of us - worried that they might think differently of us because we are gay. It doesn't stop me from being who I am, but it does give me pause. Someday soon that won't be the case.

Mark is terribly stressed - the process of trying to get all this put together while at the same time trying to move his business to Omaha has really taken its toll on his wellbeing. I can't wait to get him down here full time so I can spend every second possible with him. If that could be in a new home, that would be even better.

Time will tell, as I often say and just as often shows true. I put my trust in God and the Universe that the path will be shown. Thank you to all of you for the thoughts and prayers - and please keep them coming in the days near.

Hugs,
Andy

Bouncing

Brian called me and told me someone else is placing an offer on the house that we were looking at. It was -THE- house. I'm really upset. Mostly I am upset at Marks f-ing accountant who doesn't have his sh-t together. He should have had paperwork complete over a week ago, and because he hasn't completed it, Mark can't get the final approval on his loan. I am P'd off about it. I spent the last 3o minutes looking through the MLS and there is nothing that sparks my interest. That is THE HOUSE. I'm sad. I'm trying to get over it... but mostly I am hoping that the offer doesn't go through. I keep telling myself that the final word on the loan is only a few days away. I keep telling myself that what is meant to happen will happen. I keep trying to be strong for Mark. He has so much resting on his shoulders right now. The distance and the traveling is really taking a toll on him.

We prayed compline tonight. It helped. I also realized that I hadn't been wearing my cross in days. No wonder I felt off. I prayed tonight that God will help show us the way. I want Mark here for good. It is so hard having him 3 hours away. I want to hug and kiss him right now - and to tell him everything is okay.

Please pray for us, and for a quick answer to the house and his moving here. There is a lot of stress and some good news would be very welcome right now.

Hugs,
Andy